The Aftermath

(**Authors note: towards the end I talk about infant death, if this subject is a touchy one for you, I advise skipping this post as it may be a possible trigger. I do not wish to upset anyone with this post. Thank you for reading, as always.**)


The average loaf of bread weighs about a pound and a quarter.

Imagine holding three loaves of bread. Not too heavy, right? They're not going to weigh you down hardly any. You might buy so many on a large trip to the grocery store.

Now, imagine holding two loaves of bread. You might feel like you're carrying bags of air. Maybe you'll put one in the freezer when you get home and forget about it for a week.

Now imagine holding a single loaf of bread. You might think its just bread, another thing you have to buy though you might not use it much.

Now imagine those loaves of bread, one, two and three of them, are new born babies that weigh the equivalent. They're about the length of your forearm, about the same size around it too. Their heads comparable to a baseball, doll clothing either fits perfectly or smothers them.

When Caiden was born he weighed 3lbs 8oz. That's just under the weight of three loaves of bread. However, compared to a lot of other preemies, that's huge. Plenty are born weighing as little as a single loaf of bread, often even less. Unless you've seen these tiny children in person, their size is a little hard to fathom. Even for me, sometimes its hard to imagine how a baby could possibly be any smaller than he was and still survive.

We are extremely aware how lucky we got with Caiden, I was allowed to labor slow enough to grant him a few extra days in my womb. Precious hours, minutes and seconds that reduced the number of days and weeks we would spend in the NICU. So many others aren't as lucky. So many others are taken even earlier than Caiden was, and so many others born further along face the same if not greater walls to overcome.

Before Caiden was born, before I had even gotten pregnant, I was admittedly oblivious to the world of preemies and parenting a preemie. I knew that the further along I was when I delivered the better chance he had of surviving, but I don't think I realized that it could actually happen, especially not to us.

So many people who hear our story ask the same questions and say the same things.. "Why aren't you over it?" "How can you focus on what happened when he's doing so well now?" "You should be happy this or that didn't happen.."

The answer to everything is a simple one: the experience alters your perspective on absolutely everything in your life.

It takes a preemie roughly two years to catch up to a full term baby born at the same time in regards to size and development. Despite countless people telling you not to, you will always compare your preemie to other babies, both premature and full term to look for warning signs in development. We are taught to look for and expect obstacles while raising our preemies. The first development screening is scheduled for us before we are even discharged from the NICU.

Many will face lifelong disabilities and diseases directly related to their preterm birth. It is unfortunately extremely common for premature babies to be born with bleeding in the brain, which is often times severe. Thankfully for preemies, babies fare better than adults with brain injuries, however it could still cause anything from blindness to mental retardation.

You acquire a mass of knowledge on subjects you had never heard of before. Things that in a perfect world, no one should need to know, and yet in a matter of days or weeks you become an expert, no schooling required.

And still, despite some of the greatest medical advancements, many babies born too soon will die. They won't know anything but their own suffering, and the massive amount of love their family has for them. They won't grow up to be singers, dancers, teachers, scientists, or even president. They won't cure cancer or end world hunger. They won't have their own husbands, wives or children.

You will have a memory, and a heartbreaking one at that. Every preemie parent knows this possible outcome and fears it long after coming home. We will constantly rejoice over achievements and cower in fear that somehow, they might be taken away from us.

It makes you think, if one in eight born in the US are born premature, how many of the people you grew up with were preemies? Have they changed your life or made an impact? How would your life be different if they hadn't survived?