Baby Weight and "Mom Jeans"

As new moms, our first obstacles tend to be sleep deprivation and those pesky stretch marks that multiplied after delivery. We don't tend to think about the baby weight until our first postpartum appointment when we timidly step back on the scale, only to find out we're holding onto an extra 15-20 pounds. Then, we go into crazy health mode. For about three days, when life and exhaustion creeps up on us.

We've all heard the saying, "it took nine months to put it on, it should take nine months to lose it." While that may be true for some, it isn't for most. Some women have fast metabolisms, some lose weight with breast feeding, some workout. Then there are those like me, with a slow metabolism, who didn't lose weight with breast feeding/pumping, and who don't have the time or energy to workout with the long day they have to deal with already.

Even though my pregnancy was cut short, I gained more than the average woman because of how sick I was. By the time I delivered, I had gained almost 50 pounds. There followed months of mental and physical recovery, taking it easy, resting, watching my blood pressure, etc. All with the stress of having a preemie in the NICU, and struggling to pump and take care of us both after he came home. Some days, all I could manage was string cheese and a bottle of water.

Now, 14 months later, I'm still hanging on to a few extra pounds, and my skin hasn't completely gone back. I'm not back in my pre-pregnancy jeans and that's okay. I've made the conscious decision to make better choices and exercise each and everyday, even if its just for a couple minutes. I still try to dress like I used to though. Just because I wear a bigger size doesn't mean I have to feel like an alien in my own skin. I own mom jeans, but NEWS FLASH!! Everyone does! Before pregnancy we just called them "fat jeans" or "period pants." Its not something to be ashamed of at all! Some days you just have to pull out those bad boys and embrace them for what they are, a saving grace when you can barely manage to brush your hair.

Bottom line, nobody expects you to lose all that weight and look exactly like you did before, the very next day, so neither should you. Go ahead and set a goal, but understand that life tends to get in the way of everything, especially when you least want it to. Big hips are better for carrying babies, so are bellies that still protrude a little. You aren't any less attractive than you were before. You probably struggled to get past those six weeks post delivery without pouncing on your hubby and vice versa. I wouldn't call that person unattractive.

Everyone has things about themselves they wish they could change, having had a baby or not. The important thing is to remember that with hard work and determination you can look exactly how you want to, but it'll never happen over night. Don't be afraid of numbers, go by how you feel. If you feel better after working out and eating healthy the day before, than do it again because you feel good, not because you lost a quarter of a pound. Cheat days are okay, we all have weaknesses. Don't feel too guilty about it, and if your whole diet goes out the window when you're pmsing, whoop-de-doo, just get yourself back on track after.

A confident woman is a beautiful woman.

Caiden on our daily walk around the neighborhood.

A Year Later

I meant to post on Caiden's actual birthday, but with his big day and planning for his party, it totally slipped my mind! He's a year old already!! Crazy how the last year has flown by, it's been an amazing learning experience for me. It's shown me what's really important in my life and to never take a single second for granted. He has taught me that its not about receiving love, it's about loving with your whole heart and never expecting anything in return. It's about the lessons you take away from the bad days and the smiles you share on the good.

His life began in a cloud of pain and confusion. For weeks we battled fear and hope, and now there is only promise. It can be so easy to forget he's a preemie sometimes, especially since he's wearing 18-24 months at only a year, but I will always see the skin and bones baby he started at beneath all his chub. I am so thankful I have him to annoy me and make me laugh everyday. He has filled my heart with so much joy and I couldn't picture a life without him.

Today, he is roughly 22lbs and 33in. A far cry from the 3lbs 8.4oz and 16 1/2in he was born at. He is a happy and rambunctious little boy, and the toughest guy I know. He can roll over, sit on his own, crawl, hold his own bottle/sippy cup, pull up onto his knees, clap, high five, and has a wonderful vocabulary. It's hard to believe it was just a year ago that he turned our lives upside down, backwards, and around a corner, but its been one hell of a year and I wouldn't change a second of it.

Another Door Closes

When I was admitted to the hospital to have Caiden last June, I admittedly didn't know much about preeclampsia or HELLP Syndrome. All I knew was my blood pressure was up and my liver was failing. My focus was on Caiden, not my own health. Then almost two months later, I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder. Earlier this month I was doing some research about it for another woman who had HELLP with her pregnancy and possibly MTHFR, the same clotting disorder I have. I stumbled on some information I hadn't seen before. I'd researched a lot about MTHFR but hadn't thought to look for anything about HELLP. I was told my clotting disorder caused it, that's all I knew and all I thought I needed to know..

From what I understand about HELLP, while pregnant, your body can throw clots and your blood cells are damaged while trying to push past them. Platelets go to their rescue to help repair them which lowers your platelet count. Your liver starts to die, releasing enzymes, due to the lack of oxygen provided to it because of the clots. Thus if you are predisposed to blood clots, your risk for developing HELLP is significantly greater.

It's amazing how intertwined the two are. I luckily don't have any lasting health issues due to HELLP or Pre-e. My blood pressure is stable and in the normal range and I haven't had any weird symptoms- which makes sense since HELLP is supposed to go away after delivery. Other than knowing I have a clotting disorder and having to take a baby asprin daily, outside of Caiden's birth and my miscarriage, it doesn't play an active role in my life. Its easy to forget I even have it. I'm glad that after going so long with as many questions as I've had that there are finally concrete answers. It's a wonderful feeling to finally be able to close the door completely on our birth experience. No more questions, no more fears, no more guilt, just understanding. 

Caiden is going to be a year old next month and everyday he moves forward, a smile on his face and not a care in the world. I can only strive to do the same, encouraging him with love and strength. 

A Woman Becomes a Mother

Today as I sit and watch my son play with his toys and repeat "mum" over and over again, it reminds me how lucky I am to have him here with me on Mother's Day and every day. So many aren't able to hold their children today and it reminds me to be thankful of what I do have. Today my heart goes out to the mothers sitting in the NICU with their preemie, the mothers grieving a miscarriage, a stillborn, the loss of their infant/toddler, or young child, teenager, an adult child or their own mother. 

Becoming a mother was never on my "to do" list, or my career list, or any other list I could have created. But today that is exactly what I am. I am proud of the journey we've been through thus far. It has been an amazing roller coaster but I wouldn't change a second of it.

I thought our lives were ending when Caiden came early, but I didn't know how strong it would make me. How it would change not only my life but my perspective. 

It taught me that a woman does not become a mother when she gets pregnant. She does not become a mother when she hits "full term" or when she births her child. She does not become a mother when her baby cries the first time. She does not become a mother because she breastfeeds, or co-sleeps or even brings her baby home.

A woman becomes a mother when she puts her child before herself. She becomes a mother during countless sleepless nights. She becomes a mother when she smiles and says I love you, never expecting it in return or to be heard. She becomes a mother when her child fills her thoughts. She becomes a mother when she realizes she's not only created life but an innocent child's soul, when her heart flutters because another beats. She becomes a mother when her world is repeatedly turned upside down, sideways, backwards and yet not always right again. She becomes a mother when she has felt happiness, sadness, grief, strength, humbleness, joy, fear.. all due to her child. 

No mother can fail because no mother completely succeeds. Our children, be they days, weeks, months or years old, living or deceased, make us who we are. The best gift Caiden has and will ever give me is the gift of motherhood. 

Happy Mother's Day to those who have tiny hands to hold, and to those who hold them in their memory. 

What You Didn't Know

I post a lot about how far Caiden has come since his premature birth and how lucky we are but I don't think I've mentioned exactly how amazing it is that he's here with us.

I had been in pain for three days prior to going into the hospital. I had gone in some weeks before with the same symptoms and been sent home so I was prepared to grind my teeth through it this time. When I was unable to stand, sit, or lay without being in pain I decided it was worth being sent home to make sure there was nothing wrong. I was not prepared for what followed. I was transferred from my admitting hospital to one a half hour away for the NICU. I had never been in an ambulance before. The ems sitting in the back with me was an older man with white hair, he held my hand the entire way and told me about his family and asked questions about mine. I had cried the whole hour before, and he knew it. He told me not to be afraid, his son had been born early too and was thriving. As long as I was strong my baby would be okay, I had to be positive.

I never got that mans name, if he told me I don't remember. He is the reason I was able to be calm the remainder of my labor. Neither one of us knew how sick I was, but he changed my outlook from fearful to hopeful. I wish I could find him and say thank you, he made a huge impact on my life. As he was leaving, he gave me a small hug and wished me good luck.

I had severe preeclampsia and class I (severe) HELLP Syndrome, two things I had never heard of going into the hospital. My platelet count was in the lowest range, my blood pressure put me at risk of seizures, my liver was starting to fail and the doctors were worried about other organs following it. My blood pressure was stabilized but still very high my entire delivery and my count kept dropping. There are two pictures of me during labor/delivery and I was unrecognizable due to swelling.

Every four hours my blood was being taken to monitor my liver enzymes and platelet count. With HELLP syndrome, the lower your platelet count goes, the higher risk you are to have bleeding issues after delivery. Many HELLP deliveries end with blood transfusions. Luckily mine did not. However my platelets were so low that I wasn't allowed to have an epi (I didn't want one anyways) and the doctors were afraid to do a c-section.

HELLP Syndrome is a silent killer, a rare killer, but one none the less. It is estimated that as many as 48,000 pregnant women in the US will develop HELLP each year. A seemingly small number until you find out that it can have the same symptoms as preeclampsia, gall bladder disease, the flu, etc. and many doctors have never heard of it. It cannot be prevented, is only diagnosed with a blood test, can occur after delivery, is absolved by delivery and doesn't always occur alongside preeclampisa.

Had I gone into the hospital with only preeclampsia I would have been put on magnesium and bed rest to buy at least a few more days for Caiden. But due to having HELLP and how severe it was, he needed to be delivered right away. Luckily he was head down when I was admitted so I was allowed to try for a vaginal delivery, if anything went wrong I was told I would be rushed immediately to surgery. The doctors were hoping for the best. I didn't know how to read the monitors keeping track of my contractions and his heart rate, but I was later told that with each contraction Caiden's heart rate would dip, they didn't know the cord was wrapped around his neck four times. I still don't know why they didn't take me for a c-section then. Fetal distress usually, if not always warrants one.

At one point when I asked the nurse taking my blood why it was necessary to do so frequently, he said, "we're just keeping an extra close eye, we want you to be able to meet your baby." It scared the hell out of me. I thought I was on the brink of death but I didn't have time to focus on me. I still had two months until Caiden's due date.

When you're told your baby is going to be delivered months before they're ready, its a total out of body experience. You prepare for your child's death. There's no way they could survive so early and so small. Even after their first cry and the first time you hold them, you still anticipate it. You have no expectation of bringing them home, you can't afford a hope. But then you do, its not until months after discharge that you can finally catch your breath. Their prematurity wasn't a death sentence. It was a chance for you, their parent, to grow and learn, to become strong in your heart, mind and soul.
Nearly a year later and I still wake up in the middle of the night to ensure he's still breathing.

Living through the diagnosis of HELLP and having a child born premature has taught me three things:

1) You can never prepare for everything.

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about pregnancy. I had my entire labor planned and the second I walked into the hospital it all went out the window. I never anticipated complications because I had never heard of what could go wrong. I knew about stillbirths and miscarriages, but that could never happen to me.

Along with raising prematurity awareness, I strongly believe there should be a campaign to raise awareness about the complications you might not have heard of. I am always telling Caiden's story, he's not just a preemie, he's a HELLP baby, a survivor. Had I not put my pride aside and gone into the hospital that morning, I could have stroked and/or my liver could have failed. We could have been dead long before we ever knew what if anything was wrong.

2) Gaining a few pounds and a couple stretch marks or being peed/spit up on by a baby are not the worst things that can happen to you when you sign up for motherhood.

Sometimes I have to remind myself this when Caiden is being particularly difficult. He could have died, I could have died. He could have been born with a disorder or even earlier. He very well could have been in the NICU longer. But none of that happened. I agreed to let my body change to protect him and let him grow the moment he was conceived. I will never be the same because of him, and that's not a bad thing.

3) Don't take a single day, a single moment for granted.

A child will only be so little once. They're going to grow and become independent. They're going to be both annoying and cute. Soon they won't want to be snuggled or tolerate "This Little Piggy." I want Caiden to grow up knowing where he started, I hope as he ages the significance of his birth is not lost on him. He turned me into a fighter, a survivor, an advocate, and a mother.

10 Months!

Wow. What a week! Caiden is ten months old (as of yesterday)! I can't believe there's only two more months until his birthday! Time really does fly by. In the past week he's nearly mastered sitting on his own (he was a little late on that one- I'm blaming his still top-heavy preemie head), gotten his first top tooth, is cutting three more, and has started rocking and pushing himself forward trying to crawl. Its amazing the amount of progress he's made!

Today Caiden had a regular check up. He weighed in at a whopping 21lbs even! Thats over five times his birth weight, and in the 55th percentile without adjusting for his age. He's 31in tall, in the 98th percentile! He's going to be a very tall man one day!

I'm so excited for June, I've decided to do a nautical theme for his birthday, he has a little baby tie with sailboats on it that I am totally in love with. Since I don't have any close friends with kids, its just going to be a small party for family but I'm sure it'll be great. We can go overboard when he's older. I'm making sugar and dye free smash cupcakes for him. I know its fun to let them destroy brightly colored cake, but I don't want to clean up a sticky blue one year old or try to get a sugar high munchkin to go to sleep. We can enjoy it without all that. I'm a little apprehensive of giving him things like that anyways.


On another note, one of my best friends is pregnant! She's such a wonderful person and deserves her little miracle more than anyone I know. Its really bittersweet for me. I get to watch her go through her pregnancy (granted we live halfway across the country) and have the experience of birthing a healthy full term baby. I can't wait for her to tell me she's gone into labor and see her take home her little one.

Its amazing to see something that once made me the happiest I've ever been, change another person in such a fundamental way. Had I not miscarried in December, I would still (probably) be pregnant right now. I try not to think about it, but I often wish I had a big round baby belly despite the risks to my health. It would have been wonderful to have gone through it together, to have done something differently.

But, I have a wonderful son who proves that we can never take anything for granted. I would rather be here to raise him than die trying to have another child. I was so prepared to have eight more weeks of pregnancy ahead of me that I missed out on a lot of things I wish I hadn't. There is not a single picture of my husband and I together while I was pregnant.

I hear a lot that I should be thankful, that the last weeks of pregnancy are miserable, that I got two extra months with my baby. But it doesn't make it better. Fifty-six hours of labor was miserable, as was 25 days of watching him from a distance. Only seeing him grow lessens the pain I still feel. He's done amazing since birth, and continues to defy doctors expectations of him. He hasn't caught up to babies his age yet, but he will, and he has all the time in the world.

Ten years from now, it won't matter at what age he learned to sit, crawl, walk or talk. What will matter is that he did learn and continues to each and every day. He always has a smile and to him, it doesn't matter that he had a rough start, he won't remember, all that matters is that he's alive and happy.

Remembrance

As Caiden's first birthday is fast approaching I find myself thinking back to his delivery and time in the NICU. Its hard not to think about how his story began as we approach the anniversary of his surprise arrival. He's come so far in such a short period of time, I can't imagine being more proud of him.

I remember the day I went into the hospital, I was prepared to be sent home like every other time. I wish I had taken one more picture of my belly before laying down in that bed. I had no idea I wouldn't be allowed to move the next three days. I remember before the doctors started an IV I asked if I could get up and walk around for a minute. I didn't really understand what was wrong with me.

I remember calling my mom and bawling as I told her I was probably going to have a c-section and begging her to fly down as soon as she could. I remember crying as the nurses dug around my veins trying to put an IV in both my hands failing to numb one and then finally putting it in my wrist. I remember watching my husband walk in, still in his work uniform and the scared look on his face as I repeated "I'm sorry" over and over again. All the conversations we had about viability and promising the likelihood of an early delivery happening to us was slim, turned into lies.

I don't remember much of my labor. I do remember as I was getting ready to push the nurse told me not to, I was supposed to wait but I didn't have a choice.
I remember kicking the doctor in the stomach who was there to catch him.
I remember dozens of people walk in as I was pushing, waiting to evaluate what was wrong with my child.
I remember him crying and how happy I was to hear that wonderful sound. I relaxed and for a moment, for the first time since being told I was having him early, I felt at peace.
I don't remember him being held up by my face so I could see him though.

The first 24 hours after his birth went by slowly. I was torn between resting and wishing I was allowed to get up and go see him. I was refusing pain meds, I didn't hurt. I didn't understand why they wouldn't let me out of bed.

The first time I was allowed to go see him I was insanely nervous. I didn't know what I was going to see. I didn't know how small he was or if the steroids had been given enough time. As I was wheeled out of my room, and down a maze of hallways we passed two nurseries. I remember smiling at the sleeping babies and wishing my son was in there, chubby and healthy, just waiting to be brought back to me. I remember how lost I was going through the hallways. I had never been in the hospital, I didn't know where anything was, I didn't know what the inside of a NICU looked like.

As we rounded the final corner we approached a large set of double doors with a corded phone on the wall. I remember my mom who had been already telling me I had to let them know who I was. The doors stayed locked and shut at all times. We were buzzed through and I saw the hand washing station for the first time. It was automated and hands free. I was amazed at the setup. We passed through another set of double doors.

It was a large room divided into sections by walls and curtains. It was dark yet warm and monitors could be heard beeping. I knew my son was in that room somewhere but I didn't know where. I wanted to run to him. We turned another corner and there was a raised glass table with a blue light shining on it. The smallest baby I had ever seen was laying on the table on its belly, completely naked except for a diaper, hat, foam block out glasses and tons of wires attached to him.

I remember the nurse smiling at me and saying "so you must be mommy," it was the first time someone had used that term in reference to me. It seemed alien to me, I certainly didn't feel like a "mommy." I stood up and met my son. I remember feeling an overwhelming urge to cry and tried my hardest not to. The smallest baby I had ever seen was my son. Sleeping, unaware I was there next to him. I just stood there for a minute, I had a hard time believing that was my son. The nurse said something I will never forget. She looked at him and noticing my hesitation, she said "you can touch him."

I never thought I would need permission to touch my own child but those words were the sweetest words I'd ever heard. After being told no at everything the past few days it was amazing to be granted permission for something, especially an act so important.

I remember regretting sitting back down in the wheel chair and having to go back to my room for meds and rest. I never wanted to leave his side. The trip to and from the NICU would become routine in no time. We started parking in the same spot. The receptionist knew us by name and was excited when we finally left. Caiden's doctor knew what time to expect us and would stop by every day to give us an update personally.

I remember his doctor better than I remember the nurses. Dr. Craig Anderson. He is an amazing man. He was there whenever we needed him, he encouraged me to pump and breastfeed, he made it possible for Caiden to go home ahead of schedule. He was excited to see him again when we went back a month later to pick up my extra milk. I can't wait to see him again someday and say thank you. I never got the chance to say goodbye and thank him for all he did for us. Caiden may have done well on his own but I believe that man saved his life.

I may not have the best memory, but I remember what's important. I'm glad Caiden won't have any memory of his time in the NICU. I'm glad he'll grow up knowing he did something amazing as a baby. He survived. And each year on his birthday we will celebrate his life, not mourn the time we lost. Each year we will celebrate how far he's come. Each year we will move one step closer to normality and one step further from premature.