Two

Caiden is two months old as of Tuesday!! I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast. He had his two month shots yesterday and because I've been sick my husband took him. Well, he's 7lbs even now, exactly double his birth weight and 21 inches long! He's come such a long way. I keep thinking about how little he was when he was born. He was light as a feather and now he's getting so chubby (:

When I was pregnant I used to think about if he'd hit milestones early or on time and now that's out the window. He's two months and still only smiles and laughs in his sleep. Its hard to adjust to "adjusted" age. He might not smile for another two months. I just can't wait for him to catch up. Being the mom of a preemie takes everything out of you. Its so easy to go from thrilled that he's sleeping four hours to upset because he won't pick his head up during tummy time. I find myself torn between telling people he's a few days old, the way he looks or telling them his actual age and explaining that he came early.

I found out more about the clotting disorder that forced his early arrival. I am compound heterozygous for c677t and a1298c for the MTHFR mutation. Basically this means that I got a mutated gene from my mom and a mutated gene from my dad. My body doesn't metabolize folic acid or vitamin b the way its supposed to because these genes are mutated. Unfortunately I have the second worst form of the mutation. Research shows it causes repeated miscarriages so we were extremely lucky that my first pregnancy was a successful one. I'm at high risk for blood clots and high blood pressure, but whats worse is because children get half their genes from each parent, Caiden definitely has some form of MTHFR.

The good thing about it though is it causes a hodgepodge of different things. From migraines to cancer to schizophrenia. Because I have this form of MTHFR my mom must have some form. Which means other members of my family likely have some form as well. It could potentially explain why my family tree has been filled with diabetes, chronic migraines and depression among other things. Its a wonderful feeling to finally have some answers. I no longer have to blame myself for Caiden's early arrival. I don't have to feel like my body failed me, my DNA did ;)

Well, That Explains It

Today I called my OB. I went in the beginning of the month for a blood pressure check because mine was still very high. Not wanting to put me on medication for it at such a young age, they decided to do some blood work and check for clotting disorders one of which was Lupus.

For the last week and a half I'd been freaking out over whether or not I had one of these potentially deadly disorders. Finally, today I got fed up and called them to see if my results were in yet. They were.

Turns out I have a rare genetic clotting disorder called Methylene Tetra Hydro Folate Reductase or MTHFR. This disorder is a mutation of a certain gene or genes. Typically it doesn't cause any problems but when it affects two specific genes instead of just one it can actually increase chances of miscarriage. During a "successful" pregnancy, it can cause severe pre-eclampsia which can lead to HELLP Syndrome. Both of which I developed and caused my emergency induction at 31 weeks.

While talking to my doctor she informed me that I had a textbook pregnancy of people with this disorder. Only difference is my pregnancy lasted longer than most. Typically this disorder leads to emergency inductions/cesareans as early as 24 weeks. We got extremely lucky that I managed to stick it out for as long as I did.

Unfortunately with this disorder it causes these additional problems during pregnancy so odds of having the same issues in future pregnancies is pretty much guaranteed. This in turns means I'll never have a term baby. Any pregnancy I have will result in a preemie again. My husband and I were only planning on having one child so now our problem is finding an effective birth control that doesn't contain Estrogen as I am unable to take hormonal birth control with this disorder and IUDs and the Depo shot scare the crap out of me. In addition to all the medications the hospital sent me home on after I had Caiden, I now have to add a baby Asprin to my pile every day for the rest of my life as it puts me at a significant risk of clots and high blood pressure, which mine has yet to go down to normal.

While I'm glad to finally have some answers and not have one of the more deadly disorders its still hard to accept that I can't have another child should we change our minds about having another. However when Caiden is much much older it'll be a nice story to tell him about how lucky he is to even be alive.

Happy Due Date

Yesterday was Caiden's original due date (his doctors go by August 18th but I never did). To say its bitter sweet is just a scrape off the surface. While I'm thrilled he's home and healthy, I knew it would be a difficult day to get through emotionally. Yesterday should have been his birthday. Instead he's 7 weeks old. Up until yesterday, I should still have been pregnant. Its hard to imagine ever forgiving myself for him coming so early. I know one day I will. I know its really not my fault and I did what was best for the both of us but there's always that little voice in the back of my head that tells me we would have been fine. That it would have gotten better. But I know that's not true. Even if it were, I couldn't change it. He's here with us now.

Someone asked me if I was going to do newborn photos the other day. I honestly hadn't even considered it. He's not a newborn anymore, he's almost two months! His newborn photos are the ones we took when he was in the hospital hooked up to monitors and a tube down his throat. I kinda felt like to take newborn pictures would be an insult to everything we went through when Caiden was a newborn. As rough a start as he had, I don't want to forget it or pretend it didn't happen.

I imagine August 10th will always be a difficult day for me to face, as will his actual birthday. They will always be a reminder of what happened, what we all went through together and the odds we continue to overcome.

Caiden at birth

Caiden today at 7 weeks