Happy Due Date

Yesterday was Caiden's original due date (his doctors go by August 18th but I never did). To say its bitter sweet is just a scrape off the surface. While I'm thrilled he's home and healthy, I knew it would be a difficult day to get through emotionally. Yesterday should have been his birthday. Instead he's 7 weeks old. Up until yesterday, I should still have been pregnant. Its hard to imagine ever forgiving myself for him coming so early. I know one day I will. I know its really not my fault and I did what was best for the both of us but there's always that little voice in the back of my head that tells me we would have been fine. That it would have gotten better. But I know that's not true. Even if it were, I couldn't change it. He's here with us now.

Someone asked me if I was going to do newborn photos the other day. I honestly hadn't even considered it. He's not a newborn anymore, he's almost two months! His newborn photos are the ones we took when he was in the hospital hooked up to monitors and a tube down his throat. I kinda felt like to take newborn pictures would be an insult to everything we went through when Caiden was a newborn. As rough a start as he had, I don't want to forget it or pretend it didn't happen.

I imagine August 10th will always be a difficult day for me to face, as will his actual birthday. They will always be a reminder of what happened, what we all went through together and the odds we continue to overcome.

Caiden at birth

Caiden today at 7 weeks