Another Door Closes

When I was admitted to the hospital to have Caiden last June, I admittedly didn't know much about preeclampsia or HELLP Syndrome. All I knew was my blood pressure was up and my liver was failing. My focus was on Caiden, not my own health. Then almost two months later, I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder. Earlier this month I was doing some research about it for another woman who had HELLP with her pregnancy and possibly MTHFR, the same clotting disorder I have. I stumbled on some information I hadn't seen before. I'd researched a lot about MTHFR but hadn't thought to look for anything about HELLP. I was told my clotting disorder caused it, that's all I knew and all I thought I needed to know..

From what I understand about HELLP, while pregnant, your body can throw clots and your blood cells are damaged while trying to push past them. Platelets go to their rescue to help repair them which lowers your platelet count. Your liver starts to die, releasing enzymes, due to the lack of oxygen provided to it because of the clots. Thus if you are predisposed to blood clots, your risk for developing HELLP is significantly greater.

It's amazing how intertwined the two are. I luckily don't have any lasting health issues due to HELLP or Pre-e. My blood pressure is stable and in the normal range and I haven't had any weird symptoms- which makes sense since HELLP is supposed to go away after delivery. Other than knowing I have a clotting disorder and having to take a baby asprin daily, outside of Caiden's birth and my miscarriage, it doesn't play an active role in my life. Its easy to forget I even have it. I'm glad that after going so long with as many questions as I've had that there are finally concrete answers. It's a wonderful feeling to finally be able to close the door completely on our birth experience. No more questions, no more fears, no more guilt, just understanding. 

Caiden is going to be a year old next month and everyday he moves forward, a smile on his face and not a care in the world. I can only strive to do the same, encouraging him with love and strength. 

A Woman Becomes a Mother

Today as I sit and watch my son play with his toys and repeat "mum" over and over again, it reminds me how lucky I am to have him here with me on Mother's Day and every day. So many aren't able to hold their children today and it reminds me to be thankful of what I do have. Today my heart goes out to the mothers sitting in the NICU with their preemie, the mothers grieving a miscarriage, a stillborn, the loss of their infant/toddler, or young child, teenager, an adult child or their own mother. 

Becoming a mother was never on my "to do" list, or my career list, or any other list I could have created. But today that is exactly what I am. I am proud of the journey we've been through thus far. It has been an amazing roller coaster but I wouldn't change a second of it.

I thought our lives were ending when Caiden came early, but I didn't know how strong it would make me. How it would change not only my life but my perspective. 

It taught me that a woman does not become a mother when she gets pregnant. She does not become a mother when she hits "full term" or when she births her child. She does not become a mother when her baby cries the first time. She does not become a mother because she breastfeeds, or co-sleeps or even brings her baby home.

A woman becomes a mother when she puts her child before herself. She becomes a mother during countless sleepless nights. She becomes a mother when she smiles and says I love you, never expecting it in return or to be heard. She becomes a mother when her child fills her thoughts. She becomes a mother when she realizes she's not only created life but an innocent child's soul, when her heart flutters because another beats. She becomes a mother when her world is repeatedly turned upside down, sideways, backwards and yet not always right again. She becomes a mother when she has felt happiness, sadness, grief, strength, humbleness, joy, fear.. all due to her child. 

No mother can fail because no mother completely succeeds. Our children, be they days, weeks, months or years old, living or deceased, make us who we are. The best gift Caiden has and will ever give me is the gift of motherhood. 

Happy Mother's Day to those who have tiny hands to hold, and to those who hold them in their memory.